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I’m back on medication again after only three months. I thought I’d be free from all the side effects for longer than this. I’d always wanted to stop taking it for so long and was so happy I was able to do that. But I need to admit that just couldn’t do without it. At least not for now. I don’t care anymore if it gives me nightmares or headaches. The symptoms are much worse.

My psychiatrist said it doesn’t mean that I’m weak. But I still feel like a failure. I feel so weak that I need medication. I keep asking myself why it has to be me. I couldn’t handle all the shit people keep throwing at me. Hell, I couldn’t even handle myself at times.

It hasn’t been a full week yet since I received medication. I should wait for about two weeks for the medicine to take effect. Honestly, right now I feel like shit. I just can’t help it.

I feel useless. I know people with depression often feel this way. But it hits me harder this time somehow. I feel horrible to the point that I wish there was a shutdown button that I can push to just shut everything out. Shut myself off. I want to be numb. I want to feel nothing.

At first, I thought I should be able to function like normal. But that’s not true, and I gave up now. All I want to do is lie down and do nothing.

— Petra