For more than three years, I felt like I was in a dark pit, trying to find my way back to the outside world. I’ve been in fighting against complex PTSD and anxiety disorder for a long time, even before I knew what I was up against, but have been treated for only about three years when my symptoms were so severe that I needed to seek professional help.
This year I was well enough and decided to claim my life back. Little did I know how deep the pit was. I remember when the symptoms were more severe, I hardly wanted to get out of bed. I couldn’t focus on more than one thing per day. I had no energy. I was afraid to go out. On top of that, we had the pandemic to worry about.
The medication I received made me feel lethargic and hungry. I binged eating and gaming to cope with life. Before I knew it, my physical health was ruined, along with my mental health. I gained weight. My blood cholesterol level was out of control.
Worst of all, I didn’t want to live. The only thing that keep me going was my husband. I was afraid of losing that last thread that kept me alive. I follow Camus, so I knew that suicide wasn’t the answer. There might not be the ultimate meaning in life, but you don’t kill yourself to prove that. Meaning is something you create. I realized after a long time that it wasn’t the absurdism or nihilism in me that made life so bland but the mental illness I had.
I’ve been trying to change my diet and doing everything I can for months, but my weight just won’t budge. I won’t give up, but I have to admit that it was hard to keep trying when you didn’t see the results that you wanted. I’ve tried several things now. I took an online course, I went to see a nutritionist, and read everything I can.
Then I realized how deep the pit was. This is what three years of mental illness did to my body. I can’t do anything but keep doing my best. It took several years to damage my body this much, so I think it will take some time to undo it.
Even now my weight hasn’t changed a bit, but I’ve seen other results. I can wear clothes that I was unable to fit into before and noticed my strength has improved.
I was lucky to be able to receive the medical treatment that I needed. I finally found the right medication for my condition. I’m undoing the damage from mental illness. And all I need right now is patience.
When u enter that dark pit in ur mind ain’t easy 2 leave it …plus the longer u ignore it the deeper u fall …still haven’t been able 2 leave mine after almost a decade
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Did you receive medical treatment? I hope you find one that really works for you and are able to climb up that pit.
I did for half year after my last attempt but there’s not much 2 do here rn..been trying for last 2 years 2 live a normal life but iv just been delaying it …well there’s things that’s just not meant to be anymore and for how ruthless it may seem sometimes is just better “2 let it go” the suffering ain’t worth it …ofc that ain’t true for all cases but that’s up 2 the person living the life 2 decide
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