I have a lot of questions on my mind. I think it’s because I have too much free time, which is probably a good thing. One cannot be creative without having time first, right?
Since I have a lot of time on my hands, I do a lot of thinking. I have been thinking about quitting my job a lot since last year. Quitting writing is something I could never actually do, but it’s something I think about all the time. The writing itself is fulfilling. It’s extraordinary. There’s nothing quite like it. But writing is a lonely job. Once your work is out there and there’s no feedback, it’s like talking to the wall.
Nobody likes talking to the wall.
I never get enough feedback. I want to write something that matters to me. Still, I ended up writing shit that sells because it sells. At least, it sells even when there’s no feedback at all.
I just finished another Romance that would sell a week back or so and still don’t know what to write next. Now I feel like I’m losing grasp. I don’t know who I am as a writer anymore. Why did I ever choose to write shitty stuff that has no meaning and doesn’t resonate with me? Now I don’t know what I want to write.
Okay, I don’t mean to say that all my works are shit. Some of them are great. Great work doesn’t sell. Shitty work sells. I want great work to sell. But it doesn’t work that way.
Today I came up with a plan that if I can manage a budget properly, I could write anything I want. I don’t have to worry about the sales and still be doing just fine. Sounds exciting, right? If I could just forget about the sales and only write what I want to write, you would think I would be happy.
But it would all come back to the wall. No sales. No feedback. What a lonely job.
Anyway, today, I’m grateful that my new medication didn’t make me go wonky. Low blood pressure, yes. Brain zap, yes. My brain is a bit foggy, I would say. I slept a lot. I don’t know if it has to do with this new med because I usually sleep a lot on weekends since I have nothing to do.
Despite everything I’ve written so far, I’m grateful that I have the ability and opportunity to choose what to write next without having to worry about anything other than my own feelings. I am so lucky and for that I am grateful. This is why I can never quit.
–Petra
Petrawrites.com 